Thank you!

Hmm…? Flowers… for me?

Thank you for fighting to defeat the Nazis. If it hadn’t been for the Red Army, they would have won, and then my people wouldn’t have stood a chance- it would have been complete doom for us, even more so than it already was, if that can possibly be fathomed. So know that we will always be grateful to your country for finally putting an end to it. It will never be forgotten, ever.

Yup, Misha the Nazi Killer, that’s me. Nice that you appreciate the victory, but it came at quite a high price… Dmitry… Pavel… Sergei… Pyotr… Vasily… Nikolai…

I know how extremely difficult this must be for you, such staggering loss of life… Oh! Sorry, I- I didn’t mean to startle you… it was just, just a gesture of sympathy, that’s all… Why are you laughing?

Oh, just, you apologizing for touching me.

Um, I don’t see why that’s so funny…

You will very soon.

Actually I think I’d better be going now-

Already? But you only just got here. Tell me, do you have anything else to thank me with, besides flowers?

No, I’m sorry, I have nothing. The war left me utterly destitute. These flowers, I just picked from a field.

You have your lovely self…

Hey- no, I’m not that kind of girl. I’m chaste. Now please let go of me.

Yeah, I had a feeling we were going to have to do this the hard way… Well, I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t really much care what kind of girl you are.

Wha…? You’re… you’re turning your gun against me? My God, have you completely lost your mind? You can’t be serious.

Are you willing to bet your life on the chance that I’m bluffing? That doesn’t seem to me like a very good idea.

But… we’re allies! You do realize that we’re on the same side, right? Yes, we are, don’t roll your eyes! Why don’t you go take your anger out on those actually responsible for this whole apocalypse, you know, like what the rest of your comrades do, that aren’t totally fucking insane!

My, that’s quite a mouth you’ve got for someone supposedly “chaste”.

It’s been pretty rough for me- it’s hardened me up a fair bit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I don’t want to hear about all your suffering. Guess what, you’re not the only one who’s had it hard. It hasn’t exactly been a picnic for me either, TRUST ME.

But that’s not my fault! It’s not your fault either- it’s their fault. That’s what puts us on one side, and them on the other, don’t you see? Are you stupid as well as crazy?

OK, you want to talk about the enemy? As for the German girls- been there, done that. As for the Germans in general, I couldn’t give a damn if they killed every last one of you. I didn’t fight for you and your wretched people. I fought to defend my homeland. Any benefit you happened to get from that was merely incidental.

First I’m lovely, and now I’m wretched?

First I’m your hero, and now I’m a crazy bastard?

Is violating every woman you can get your hands on going to make your dead friends come back?

No, it won’t. Beats the shit out of flowers, though.

Have I not suffered enough already?

Oh for the love of God, do you ever shut up? I’ll say one thing for the German girls, at least they don’t yammer so much. Oh wait, there is one more thing I’ll let you say- I don’t believe I ever got your name?

FUCK YOU!!!!!!! ********

Ah, what a beautiful name. And that’s an impressive right cross you’ve got there. And quite some lungs, too. But I can’t have you screaming, and I certainly can’t have you hitting me.


If there’s one thing I’m not going to put up with, it’s being hit by a girl.

Look, here’s the deal. It’s really very simple. You don’t say another word, you don’t resist me, you don’t die. I don’t want to philosophize, you’re not going to talk your way out of this, I only want one thing from you, and it’ll take about ten minutes.

Copyright © 2016 by Sandra Goldstein.